no one told me

INTRO:

i was last minute (and through the grapevine, nonetheless) asked to be in a mother's day video for church... to be shown on mother's day in the main services. no big deal, right? although inconvenient and not at all on a good day for me, I am normally happy to help out when asked. so, i send the message back through the grapevine that I would be there for the shoot. I mean, how hard could this be - a mother's day video? the rumor I heard was that they really needed me with only Presley, so they could get a little baby shot. easy enough. I can rock her, play with her, kiss her - for a video honoring mothers. done.

THE DAY OF THE SHOOT 

PART I:

i was running out the door to go get fitted for a bridesmaid dress for a wedding that I am in on May 10th. i am supposed to go over to the Ryan's house in League City for the video shoot after I am done with the dress fitting. I am prepared to do that and then as I am loading the car - I talk to one of the media team guys (for the first time, not from someone else) and he informs me that I need to look "like a mom" and i need to bring a change of clothes....??? I run back into the house and change into a tshirt, and then I grab another top and get back into the car to be on my way. But what does "a mom" look like anyway? I always want to be attractive and fresh and maybe even still (sexy) if I can dare to try - but lets face the reality here - I have these very butch sweat pants that my mom got me (in 3 different colors, might I add) and my hair was in a bun for so long without being combed the other day, that I had to get in the shower with some heavy duty conditioner and a steel brush to get out the giant knot that had formed up under my bun (it was either that, or strategically cut out the chunk of hair and just deal with the massive bald spot) So, I can do "mom" very well. Not consistent to reality though, I already had put on a bit of makeup for this video debut of mine....but whatever!

THE DAY OF THE SHOOT

PART 2:

I arrive at the Ryan's house before the crew is back from lunch. I wait, hoping that they will get back soon so, I can hurry and get done - so I can get the girls home for naps, and so I can finish cleaning up the house for our dinner guests that night. the crew arrives and says they are ready for me - and that I can leave the kids in the living room, with the lady who lived there.  now in my head, I am kinda confused, but not nearly as confused as I was after I walked into the Master Bedroom at "the ryan's" house.....

SHOT #1 AND GOING STRONG:

lights, camera, -- bed!????

I was told to lie down, pretend to be asleep - then wake to the sound of a baby crying, sigh, look at the ceiling, then with disdain for my overtired, overworked state - glance to the clock.... only to find that it is 4:21 am.....

WHAT?!?!?!?! this is not at all rocking my precious little baby! (but for sure blackmail)

 So from here - I have to do more of these kinds of shots, including: falling onto the bed exhausted and staring at the ceiling, then out the window, another deep sigh....then I am told I need to walk up to the mirror in the bathroom, lean up on the sink, and look at myself in the mirror....looking depressed about how tired and old I look??? and even tugging a bit at my wrinkled face?????

SERIOUSLY??? then i have to clean the living room for 6-8 minutes of consecutive footage, then rock Presley (ah-ha! there it is, 2 hours later!) then lay her down, then leaving the nursery, then peeking in the nursery, then loading her in the car seat, then leaving the house with her and Tanner and another little boy, then looking back in the house before closing the door, locking it and walking away.....

ANYONE? ANYONE?:

I mean, I want to be a blessing and help when I am needed - but I am pretty sure that there was someone else (really, anyone else) who would have loved to have this mother's day video debut! I can honestly say - I thought I had better friends around the church. I mean, someone had to know what shots they were wanting of me....and no one even gave me a heads up ( I having a feeling that all my "friends" are all together somewhere laughing, even now!) instead there will be up close face shots of me trying to act tired and worn out, glancing here and there as directed... in total SHOCK! of what was going on! So, if you need a good laugh - come to church on Mother's Day! and if anyone needs me, i will be down at the local bar drinking away the embarrassment of the morning ;) 

Love You Forever

So, tonight I was reading to Tanner before bed and she picked "a girl and her gator" and "love you forever" (the one with the boy playing with toilet paper on the bathroom floor....."I'll lover you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."???) So, if you know this book - it is sweet slash creepy. Basically, the mom rocks her son and sings the lines I quoted already; it goes through him growing up and at every age, her sneaking in her room and rocking him...even as a teenager (kinda weird) and then even as a grown man...she drives in her car to his house where he lives alone, then she sneaks into his window, and picks him up, rocks him, and sings the song... really weird!!! then in ends with him rocking her when she is old and sick and then him rocking his little baby.....kinda weird, but seeing that I am emotionally unstable these days, it can still get me a little teary. just the basic idea. 

Well, tomight - it was not moving me at all (I was a little hung up on the mom breaking and entering..) but it was moving Tanner. After I was done with it, she looked up at me with a sad/worried face and told me that it was a sad book. She went on to express that she didn't want to grow up. I hugged her and told her that she would always be my baby, but then she looked up at me and had a tear rolling down her cheek - so, of course I pull her close and try to comfort her as my tears begin to flow as we somehow share this mutual moment of sadness - knowing that although, she will always be my baby, she will not always be little.....such a big, bittersweet reality. I know that it is inevitable that she grow up, but it is crazy to me how she can sense this fact of the never slowing clock of life....and that it is so real to her and so emotional. She went on to tell me (through tears) that when she and sissa and presley are all grown up, that there will be no more babies! I tried my best to tell her things that would calm her as she expressed her concern for the future, but we ended up having to just change the subject all together to break the heavy mood.

I love my kids - my family! God has blessed me with so much more than I deserve. I am so grateful to share my days with Kyle, Dawn, Tanner, and Presley!

on a lighter note - powder puff post game

I feel like my post is so unimportant and superficial compared to the blog I read late last night (aaron ivey's, my 4 year old in God's army? one - it is very honest & thought provoking, you should check it out..) but neways. so, last night was friendswood hs powder puff game. Dawn proudly wore blue and yellow, representing the junior girls with great excitement. we took tanner and presley to watch and cheer on sissa....the hardings and kelli holloman and her kids also came out to support Dawn. It was a great turnout, and for sure reminded me of being in school and all the fun times. But one thing that was a huge part of my high school experience was playing competitive sports....I played basketball and volleyball for school and AAU basketball on the side. I used to play basketball...that was my "thing". I was pretty mean and aggressive (although, as a freshman, I wore ribbons in my hair???) I guess I would catch people off guard that way when I would wrestle them to the floor for the ball. Needless to say, it has been sooooo long. when I watch basketball on tv or go see my brothers play - there is something there that seems SO familiar, yet it feels like it was in a different lifetime. 

Well, last night at the game was the perfect example....the junior girls (naturally being the underdogs, bc they are "younger, weaker, not graduating" - whatever) were the first to score. I cheered - a little bit of yelling and clapping - and then the cheesy announcer, said "Touchdown, friendswood juniors!" and without meaning to, I got chills all over! seriously?!? at a touchdown at a highschool powder puff game!?!? crazy! it just made me remember how much I loved that season of my life - all the adrenaline and excitement and competition. it also made me get a little nervous about my kids playing competitive sports...I surely don't want to be that mom. I guess, I will deal with it when it comes. but last night was really fun!

exceptions

there are exceptions to most everything (except of course for the biggies, ie. murder, adultery, theft, etc.) but most definitely in the case of my little Tanner Kate, whose favorite pastime is talking, and who has a bigger vocabulary than me - she really is 4 going on 14! but tonight, as we race out the door for Dawn's powder puff game - Tanner is most excited about the "confession stands" :) perfect!

missing the daddys

we have these best friends that we call the hardings; we have been hanging with them since right after they got married, and right before we got married - over 6 years now!  (wow!) we have laughed together, cried together, pulled all-nighters together, had babies together.....what a sweet journey we have shared over the last years. needless to say - when all hanging out together, we have always referred to Kyle and Aric as "the daddys"....when they are working or out of town or going to get food - whatever. We always joke that the kids are gonna be so confused about how this family thing works,  since they have "daddys" and "mommys". well, right now "the daddys" are in Vegas for the NAB; me and Glenna have hung out some, but check in on eachother while we 'single-mom' it. and it is amazing how much I miss Kyle. my days are busy...between the 3 girls, my mom and the house she is building, and the house I have, that needs my attention but always gets put off.....but I am just so used to him being here, it is weird. I cannot imagine if he was always traveling.....3 days is long enough!

can't believe it

I don't know if it is just me, but every now and then I stop and think how I just cant believe that this is my life! this afternoon we went swimming at Kyle's parent's house with the 2 little girls (Dawn is out of town with a friend's family) and as we were waiting for the hot tub to heat up a bit (his parent's pool is beautiful....set on the side of the slight slope of one of the only "not flat" lots in friendswood, that leads down to a huge creek; the landscape is full and green, there is a stone wall, a waterfall - it is like a tropical resort pool, minus one thing - HUGE TREES! shading the entire pool. certainly makes it pretty, but FREEZING! So, we pretty much play in the hot tub until late August, when the pool water finally warms up enough to not give us hypothermia) neways...back to my original thought.....

as we were waiting for the hot tub to heat up a bit more (only Tanner, who has no concept of temperature, is in the water) me and Kyle and Presley are sitting around the edge; and i just was overwhelmed in the great moment (the beautiful scenery, the sun out - just not on us, and the family there - Dawn on her way home....no work, no middle of the night feeding, no money debacles, no kids who need naps......everyone was happy to be there and to be together and to be swimming. And I just asked Kyle if he could believe that this was our life:  25 years old, married for 6 years, 3 awesome girl additions, a suburban (that still feels so funny) this is our life. I always day dreamed of what me and Kyle's life together would look like - even when I was a sophomore and junior in highschool. and now, here I am - living it. so cool. i feel so lucky! 

fresh perspective

so.....alot has changed since we have added 2 daughters to our family over the last year, really within months. Dawn came to be with us on June 5 and Presley came only 5 months later, on November 14. lots of changes to adapt to both girls - although very different....Presley keeps me physically exhausted....up at night (there is always something going on, I swear) Dawn keeps me emotionally exhausted as (Kyle &) I am so burdened for all the details in her life. And any parent will testify that no matter how weary and drained.....physically or emotionally - the sacrifices are always well worth the joys that your children bring to your life. All that to say another big change that I am really noticing is how adding Dawn has given me a fresh new perspective on adoption. Currently, Kyle and I are Dawn's "managing conservators" which is a title that we went before a judge to get that named her as "ours" in every legal way. The term is more that a "guardian" and just right below a legal adoption. We filed for this first because it was the quickest way for us to start her immigration stuff and that was the priority at hand. We plan to adopt her as soon as we can after the other stuff is secured....All that to say - she is definitely 100% apart of our family! It is awesome. We love it...bumps and all! But some people, even some people that are decently close to us, don't quite get it. They will say things like,"It is so great what yall are doing for her." or "are yall getting any money?" or maybe ask our family to dinner and then ask, "Is Dawn gonna come?" or even when I am talking about being on the go because I have to go get her from school, they say "Can't someone help you? Can't some other parent bring her home for you?" or even "Well, how long will she be with you?" She is almost done with school, right" 

If  you are someone who has said something like this to me or Kyle....this is not a rant directed negatively AT you. that is the point. Until now, I was probably more like that....that is were my perspective has been enlightened. When I first got married, I wanted 6 kids...down from the 8 or 12 I used to talk about when I was in highschool :) I wanted to birth them all and use all the names I had picked out. I have always been pro-adoption...ya, know - there are so many people who can't conceive; what a blessing for them. I saw my aunt and uncle adopt (who couldn't conceive) and a HS teacher and his wife (who also couldn't conceive) - then we had some friends adopt, who could conceive (Iveys) And watching and walking and talking through everything with them, let me see adoption in a different light. It became more personal and more real. I began to notice things like...a family friend saying she would never be interested in adopting a baby with anything crazy - like a mom who used drugs or a half black/half white baby (she was ok with a mexican and white baby though!)  I was all of a sudden offended! I even called Jamie that day to share with her my sudden rage with this nice, God loving lady. God continued to move Kyle and I; and our hearts kept coming back to the adoption conversation. We heard about an orphanage in Galveston (via Glenna who had a very moving encounter regarding adoption in a carmax waiting area) where there are currently babies, toddlers, children, teens....all with no home; and Kyle and I were drawn the that kid. not the perfectly healthy, blonde hair, blue eyed baby - but the hurt, mistreated, malnourished, abandoned child - that is being forgotten, so easily forgotten. All of this was right when we were wanting to get pregnant again - and we actually were wondering if maybe God  had adoption in mind for us before another pregnancy. All that to say, that it has been a process and a long journey. 

And then, there is Dawn, the grown up version of the kid that Kyle and I are burdened for - and God did in fact have adoption in His plan for us (along with Presley). And Dawn is ours, everyday we are loving her - fighting for her love, her healing - her spiritual, emotional, social best.....why would I have another parent pick up my kid from school? of course Dawn is coming to dinner with us - she is apart of us! No we aren't getting money - and we don't really want any....we want to provide for her just like we do for the other girls. And I understand the "what yall are doing is so great" sentiment, but, she is not "charity" in our house. She is not a "ministry". She is simply family. I do not know why I get so annoyed and frustrated when people don't get it - I've been there too. neways. I am done.

bouncy seat

In the same day.....I walked out of the room and came back to find that Presley had scooted all the way out of the boucy seat to where her head was where her hiney should be and then later, I walked in to find Tanner (who had snuck upstairs without me knowing to get her "suckies" (pacifiers) just sitting in the seat watching some Disney chair....with the vibrate button on... like it was all normal! pretty eventful day for that little seat ;)

laughing together

so, I am late in getting a 2nd post up, and I hate to say it, but I told you so! this is no surprise to me as my last couple weeks have been crazy, but I am gonna try and not give up the blog life just yet. neways....I love that Tanner is old enough for us to laugh together. It is so fun to not just laugh at her (although there is still plenty of that) like her crazy obsession with animals (mainly dogs) and always pretending to be one, and refusing to communicate with me any other way than barking - then I laugh at her (it is kinda cute, but mostly weird.....she could possibly be THAT kid in school that truly thinks she is an animal) but yesterday, I was trying to take advantage of a moment when Dawn, Kyle, & Presley were napping after church - and although I had tons to do at the house, I decided to get on the floor and wrestle a bit with Tanner. She was finishing her ice cream sandwich and had just a bit left, when I told her to come give me a love. She responded by saying, "but I have this" and she lifted the remains of the ice cream sandwich. I told her that I didn't care and I really needed some love. So she came and climbed on top of me and I wrestled her a bit and kissed her (for the record, that is what we do for fun and affection around our house...wrestle! Preston & Laura kno (it is also a James thing) and the Hardings as well, although they are many times forced to participate in some wrestling and nuzzling against their will) but back to Tanner - she is laying there on me and we are having "a moment" and then she just throws out "I kinda want to rub this on your face" (refering to the last bit of ice cream sandwich) It was so random and honest and FUNNY! I could not stop laughing...and once I started, then she started (and she also started trying to put the ice cream on my face....) so, we lay there - me fighting her off and both of us laughing, together! it is was alot of fun.